Recently I woke up with a terrible sense of dread stirring in my mind. I lay in bed for a few minutes to see if I could get a better idea of what was causing the doom and gloom feelings. Of course there’s the stuff going on in the world that is not so pleasant to think about. Are we truly winning the war in Iraq? Will I make it through the coming or present economic recession? Will my son make it through 7th grade Spanish? Is the garbage supposed to be on the curb today or tomorrow?

Seriously though, I like it much better when my first thoughts in the morning are how much I love my wife or self talk like, “I should go make the coffee.” But today was not one of those days. With no real clear answer coming to me I rolled out of the sack and began the ritual of the morning. On the other side of a hot shower and my first cup of coffee I was able to sit down and ponder the pre dawn annoyance.

For the most part my life is pretty normal, I have good kids that do what I ask most of the time. It’s getting them to do those things on a regular basis without having to be asked that I am working on now. I have a good job and am appreciated for what I bring to that workplace everyday. I’m healthy and able to do just about any activity I would choose to do. So I continued to ask myself, why the heaviness and dread this morning? I made the decision to move on with my day and chalk it up to bad TV the night before or that irresistible ice cream I had an hour before bed.

Being what they call at the community elementary school a life long learner, and because of the fact that I have spent pretty much my whole life as a therapist and life coach sorting out feelings like these for others, I carved out some time to more fully explore and journal the nuances of those early morning musings.

Now many of you might say, get over yourself David, it’s not that big of deal. Don’t waste your time over analyzing yourself. Believe me that is often the very advice I give myself. What made this so difficult to let go of what that it just seemed so random and so limiting that I thought to myself if I had a morning ritual of thoughts that I could move to that would energize me and give me comfort what is it that I would choose to think.

Because this was not the first time I had had this kind of experience I wanted to see if I could change the experience by thinking different thoughts. I wanted to create for myself a natural and nurturing thought process that I could focus on if and when my first thoughts at any time were not “it’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.”

As I sat down to write, I remembered one of the most important skills I teach my clients in therapy and which is one of the key requirements to learn if a client is to truly make progress. Specifically, learning how to have a no holds barred self compassion. It may seem simple in concept but harder to do in ones day to day reality. By self compassion I mean the ability to come to a place where one of your nesting thoughts is deep self acceptance. You see when you truly turn the corner and create for yourself a willful ability to love yourself you open up for yourself a territory where you can explore, discover and own whatever it is that is going on in your life. This might not seem that radical to some, but for those who have learned this, they know what I am talking about. A decision to love yourself is a decision that is made moment by moment. It’s a commitment to value the thinker even when the thoughts aren’t pleasant, to love the doer even when the acts are, even repulsive on some level. For me and most of my clients it takes some real conscious work. In this work the goal is to find the lovable me behind the so called loser. The truth is there is always a positive intention for one’s behavior. There is always beauty behind the ugly. Self compassion will get you there.

Believe me this gets interesting and easier the more you do it. If you are willing, take some time when it works for you to quiet yourself and explore a recent event where on the surface you were not very impressed with your judgments, reactions or behavior. Start with the premise that you love yourself and trust yourself. Given enough time you can discover the positive value racing just beneath the surface. When we take the time to learn this skill it enables us to practice it in the middle of emotional moments. From that new place one can find the ability to communicate the positive intention rather than act out of fear. You will be surprised how true this is and how this one skill alone makes you more tender to yourself and loving towards others.

As I continued to write I realized that this is the first step of my morning mantra. Instead of immediately focusing on the less than desirable thought or feeling, the focus gets to be on the me having the random thoughts. Laying in bed I can breathe and relax into a few minutes of calming self talk, reminding myself, I love this me, I trust this me, whatever it is that is bothering me this morning is ok. I trust myself that if it is something I need to get in touch with and sort I will do that. I also remind myself that I don’t have to figure it out to start my day. Life can be just as it is and I can be just as I am. I will do the best I can as I have energy and resources. I will value me today. I will relax and accept this me that for whatever reason today does not feel all excited and happy. This is me and this me is enough? Self compassion enables me to start my day in love with me. From that first awareness, that first cornerstone of my new morning mantra, I was excited that I had a reminded myself of a consistent place to go with my thinking at any time I needed to be comforted.

There were four more simple thoughts that I added to self compassion and these have become for me my new morning mantra and a home so to speak to go to when I am troubled. Rarely am I out of bed now without spending a few minutes taking myself through this thought process regardless of how I might wake up.

The other four elements are simply, Confession, Passion, Faith and Gratitude. When strung together with Self Compassion they become a morning exercise for my body and soul that makes me ready for what ever I may face.

Confession is a place I take my mind where I just let go of all that has happened. I release myself from the failures of the past. I let go of the failures caused by my limited wisdom, my lack of knowledge and failed strength. Confession for all the failures of those around me, those close to me and ever widening circles of grace and forgiveness for all of us who fail each and every day. There are few words as sweet as “I am so sorry” or “please forgive me” Some professional healers have gone so far as to say that learning to confess or in a sense take the position of ownership for the part we play in all that happens to us is key to healing ourselves and those we love. I take a few moments to quietly say “I’m sorry” for all failures collectively.

The mantra continues with thoughts about my purpose. After self compassion and confession I move to meditate on my passion. I use this word passion to describe those core values that move me to get out of bed in the first place.

Occasionally to help my clients connect with their passion I ask them over and over again, seeking to elicit this inner drive. “What do you love and what do you hate?’ Both are telling. You see love and hate are two sides of the same coin. It is just a matter of which side you choose to focus on. Both can be empowering. Owning what you love and hate can get you closer to what’s valuable enough to you that you’re willing to get after it. Scott Peck is famous for the one line that begins his best seller The Road Less Traveled, “Life is difficult.” Indeed it is and because it is it takes us getting clear in our beliefs as to why we are here. Each of us is deigned to live our lives from a place of passion and conviction. If you know what those things are that you value most, continue to refine your expression of them and invest them into your world every chance you have.

What better daily thought process is there to follow Self Compassion and Confession than a few minutes thinking about what pumps me up, what it is I am passionate about, what it is I love and hate. We cannot fight every battle; we are not unlimited in our energy. Reminding ourselves of the important things can bring a razor sharp edge to our existence. With Self Compassion, Confession and Passion behind me I take a few minutes focusing on Faith. Not the “I believe in this doctrine or that creed kind of faith.” No, my focus on faith is a reflective thought of belonging to something bigger than myself and my simple plans. It is my attempt to align myself with all that is going on in the world, the stuff of life for which I have no ability to control or influence. All my best efforts today are going to be met with surprises, conflicts, and powers more influential than I am.

With the events of the day I can ask “why did this happen”, or say “the world is against me” taking a victim stance. I also have a choice to accept that there are things that are going to happen to me and others, even unwanted tragedies that cannot be controlled or explained. I have learned a long time ago that my best laid plans are not always going to work out. My best intentions are going to get misunderstood even hated by others who are not on my same wave length. It is what it is as I was recently reminded at the bowling alley when I saw a woman with a t-shirt that said it all. “Splits happen.” Splits and all sorts of other calamities we would never want or go looking for. I feel comforted when I take a few moments to reflect on what it means to open myself up to all that is in the universe. To see and be attentive to life as a teacher, seeking to learn what my life experiences can teach me. Faith says life will work itself out. We all know some of our greatest growth and most exciting life opportunities came to us initially in a package we did not want or choose.

A focus on Faith prepares me to say yes to what is, to the here and now as Eckhart Tolle says in his little book, The Power of Now. Now is all we have and we can find our way by becoming people who live by faith. Self compassion, confession and passion but none the less by faith in a world that often brings its own agenda to bear on many of our plans and dreams.

Finally I spend some time thinking about how grateful I am. Gratitude is powerful. I recall my many blessings and express thankfulness for all. It is often at first the simple stuff, a soft warm bed, a good nights rest, people who love me, food in my belly, a place called work to slug out my ideas.

Gratitude for my health if indeed I am well, but even the ability to be vertical another day with aches and pains has its gifts to give. I’m just plain thankful and I let my Maker and the universe know it. Thank you for making me, me! With all the ups and down and peculiarities of life, thank you. Thank you for the lessons I am learning and for grace for the ones I am still working on. I think you get the picture. Just plain ole gratitude.

With that said I start my day and return to this life mantra throughout the day as I need to be reminded that we are all participating in this great earthly experiment without an instruction manual. That we need to help ourselves and help each other along the way and in the end we will be better for it. Take these five simple truths with you today and see if you aren’t a little calmer, a little more level headed and a little happier with your day.

David A. Ruch M.Div MA
President/Founder Big Fat Happiness Inc.
For more than 27 years David’s passion has and continues to be offering strategic life coaching to individuals and corporations. As president of Big Fat Happiness Inc. he brings an artistic and playful style to each of his coaching sessions. His core teachings emphasize happiness through self compassion and faith. Contact him at coachruch@gmail.com or learn more at bigfathappiness.com.