1. Acceptance: In order to have a healthy relationship, you need to accept the other person totally as they are. How many relationships do you know of that are based on a lot of hooks or conditions? For example: “I will love you if you do this, if you do that; if you perform in this way; if you change you job.” You need to accept people as they are and not try to mold them to your liking or expectations.

2. Affirmation: Self-worth comes from messages we receive from other people. We need words of affirmation. “You are ok, you have these qualities and I like that about you. You are a good person.” We all need to be told we are ok.

3. Trust: How many people really trust their spouse, parents, children or friend? To be trusted, to be totally trusted is important for anyone in a relationship. How many times when a person doesn’t come home on time do you get suspicious? Trust is essential.

4. Love: It’s important that two people in a relationship love one another. Love is used so loosely in our society today. This goes back to acceptance and unconditional love. Not “I love you because of, but in spite of.” Loving each other because of the goodness we see INSIDE one another.

5. Honesty: To be honest and direct with one another. To share honestly our feelings and ideas, which means taking some risks.

6. Commitment: One of the hardest things to talk about. Few people really want to make a commitment. A commitment that says, “I am committed to you. I will support you, and I will be your friend. I will accept and love you, I will be there regardless.” It requires maturity, two fairly healthy people and stability.
7. Mutuality: Both people have to want the relationship. Both have to be willing to work at the relationship and to let each other know each others needs.

8. Freedom of expression: We need to express to one another how we feel. Some people think they aren’t intimate unless they are in bed; other people are in bed a lot but never intimate. Some of the most intimate experiences may be a look across the room, a word, a touch on the shoulder, whatever is comfortable for you. This is essential in a relationship.

9. Confrontation: You need to be able to tell a person in a relationship “hey I don’t like your behavior, I don’t like what you’re doing” That person needs to know that it doesn’t mean that you don’t like them, but that you don’t like their behavior. Again, it’s openness and honesty and it’s essential.

10. Regular contact: We all are fragile human beings and we all need people. We are not self-sufficient, as much as we may want to be at times. We have to have regular contact with people in order to have our needs met.

11. Testing: How do you know that a relationship is any good unless it’s been tested. Unless you’ve gone through a few rough times, how do you know what the relationship is worth? Every relationship will be tested, it has to be, and if the relationship doesn’t stand up to the test, maybe there never was a relationship to begin with. Good relationships grow better by testing.

12. Humor: We have to be able to laugh at ourselves and at each other. We have to be able to have some fun. It can’t be dead serious all the time. There has to be room for freedom and fun.

These 12 qualities are possible in any kind of a relationship; marital, family, friendships, parents and child. If we have these qualities, we are going to have healthy relationships. It doesn’t mean that all these qualities have to be perfect, but to be working on them to develop and maintain relationships. “Practice makes progress, not perfection . . .

Dianne Geiser
(WWTW) Delavan, WI, Nov 1992

Diane Geiser is a consultant, trainer and coaching advisor for a variety of industry, corporations, hospitals and individuals. She is available for help in resolving problems arising at the office and for individuals looking for counseling on personal matters. If you have a question for Diane Geiser you can contact her directly at (847) 549-6000 .