Do you struggle with . . . Perfectionism or Lack of Motivation? by Alyce Barry

I think of perfectionism and lack of motivation as opposite extremes. They exist at opposite ends of a spectrum that has at its center our natural, healthy motivation.

Perfectionism is a kind of super-heated motivation that drives us relentlessly. "I can" becomes "I must" in service of an idealized goal. Perfection is the ultimate in idealized goals since it's actually impossible to achieve!

Lack of motivation, also called apathy or burnout, goes far beyond "I can't" to "why try?" When motivation has burned all the way out, life seems pointless, and there's no energy for trying for something better.


THE UNDERLYING ISSUE

Opposites like perfectionism and lack of motivation are actually linked: they're the flip sides of the same emotional wound, and we cycle back and forth between them.

The wound underlying this pair of opposites was to our inherent belief that we deserve to be nurtured, to be taken care of, no matter what.

The wound might have come from hearing that we had to earn nurture by being perfect, or from hearing that in a meaningless world, nurture doesn't exist, so there's no point in even asking for it.

In response to the wound, we chose one of two coping strategies: to try to be perfect and thereby "deserve" nurture; or to avoid disappointment by giving up and "looking out for number one."

Each strategy hurts, because it denies our inborn, archetypal need to believe that we are worthy and that life has meaning. The hurt builds up and at the tipping point propels us to the opposite extreme, where we stay for a while before relapsing and starting the cycle all over again.

Charles Dickens' beloved story A Christmas Carol is about the cycle between these two strategies: Ebenezer Scrooge has been denied nurture as a child and has chosen the strategy of apathy, so cares for no one but himself. At the same time, he is a "perfectionist" in the pursuit of wealth, going to great lengths to save even the smallest sum of money.

GOING TO THE SOURCE

What heals both perfectionism and apathy is going within to find a source of motivation that will provide nurture all the time, no matter what. It is the Divine that gave us that source, and you can regain your access to it. There are risks involved, of course, as there are in anything worth doing. In this case, one risk may be feelings of unworthiness, which stem from the original wound. Another risk might be feeling let down if unconditional nurture from inside proves to be "too good to be true."

As uncomfortable as risks can be, they say good things about you. Knowing what those good things are can lift enough shame to get you started.

The risk of feeling unworthy, for example, says that you chose to believe in someone else's view of yourself more than in your own view from within, and that means you were faithful to and trusting in someone who raised you. If you've thought of yourself as faithless or untrusting -- think again!

The risk of disappointment actually says you already have some of what you want -- the ability to nurture yourself and feel motivated from within. How? Because you've been protecting yourself from something that might hurt you (disappointment). And that required that you be motivated to protect yourself!

Next issue:
Feel Like "Too Much" or "Not Enough"?

Alyce Barry
(WWTW Lake Delavan 1996)
303.485.5400
Author of Shameless: Life Beyond the Box, summer 2007
www.PracticallyShameless.com

Email: alyce@alycebarry.com