When a parent loses a child, the grief process is similar to other losses, but our reaction as a society is one of ignorance. In an effort not to cause discomfort, we avoid mentioning the child the parent has lost. This avoidance can be hurtful, because the parent may want and need to reminisce about this child. Remember the parent is hurting regardless of what you say or don't say.

Parents who lose a child, need to wrestle with acceptance of this loss. It is not the natural order of things, to bury your child. Parents are in shock and friends and family are ill prepared on how to be a support. In an effort to make the parent and ourselves feel better we can actually hurt the grieving parent.

It is advisable not to say any of the following:
“it was probably better…”
“in time you will feel better”
“it has been a year, I am sure your feeling better”
“you will just have to get over this”
“when one door closes, another opens”

It is probably best to stay away from clichés. It 'trivializes” the situation and can make them feel like their situation was not unique, special and heartfelt.

Loss of a child

Go ahead and mention my child,
the one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further,
the depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry,
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
the tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
pretending he/she didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
knowing that he or she has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing,
I say "pretty good or fine"
But healing is something ongoing,
I feel it will take a lifetime.

-author unknown

It is important to you, the caring friend or family member, to remember that the parent does not want to lose the memory of this child. Telling the parent, “they will get over this,” is actually frightening. Remember the pain and grief is all they feel they have left of this child . . . If the parent were to “get over it” they would forget the child and his/her memory. In the initial stages of grief (1 plus years) feeling pain, anger and sadness, keeps the parent connected to the child. Only when the parent accepts the love of the child cannot be broken or taken from them- can they let go of the sadness or pain.

The grieving process is different for each parent. People handle things in their own unique ways. Some of the best ways to support a grieving parent are mentioned below.

1. Ask the parent if they want to talk about the child
2. Ask the parent to tell you a “favorite” story of the child
3. Ask the parent if they want to show you pictures of the child
4. Share your memories of this child when he/she was living.
5. Include the parent in activities the child once participated baseball games, school events
6. When you visit, ask if you can bring your child along
7. Keep in contact with the parents on a regular basis
8. Don't ignore the parents at the holiday season Extend invitations, let the parent decline, if that is what they want to do
9. Extend invitations to school activities or other events the parents participated before the death of the child.

How much time it takes to move through the stage of grief depends on the nature of the loss, the individual who is grieving and the overall circumstances of the individual's life. The important thing to remember, however is that grieving happens in stages. The Stages of Grief are good to understand for those wanting to be helpful to the grieving family.

• Denial-hard for the mind to accept the loss
• Anger-no control over the loss
• Bargaining-we want to trade something for the reversal of the loss
• Depression-feeling of hopelessness about the situation
• Acceptance-we accept the reality of the situation.