Is There a Place for Me? by Amanda Bryson

The following is an excerpt from my journal dated March 2005. I wrote this poem during a Lunar Learnings writing workshop when we were asked to complete the sentence “I desire . . . ”

I desire fire to cleanse me, to heal and destroy
I desire water to wash away the ashes of my idols and illusions
I desire wind to dry the birthing waters and buff my new surface to reflection-shine
I desire Your face revealed in my gold

I sat in the Circle, feeling deep connection with what I had written, and then suddenly something dreadful happened. The workshop facilitator asked us to share what we’d written. I quickly passed the stone when it was my turn because I didn’t want to answer questions about my poem. Who could understand? I couldn’t explain that I was a devoted Christian and my poem was about God’s Spirit. Especially not after overhearing several of the women telling jokes about my spiritual path and calling it “oppressive” and “degrading to women.” How could I admit that I find my greatest joy in something that everyone believed to be damaging and inferior?

When it was time to go home, I sat in the car and cried. Is this supposed to be a community for ALL women? I asked myself. Or is it only for those with certain beliefs? What made things worse was that this was not the first time I’d felt this way. Nor was it the second. No, I had been struggling to find a place in this community since I first went through my weekend in May 2002.

Many times my heart pounded while a community leader pronounced judgment against my spiritual heritage. Many times I cringed as facilitators used my deity’s name as a curse. Many times my face turned red as women in casual conversations criticized and ridiculed what is most sacred to me. And though I knew deep down that I must speak my truth about this issue, I felt helpless in the face of such a strong collective shadow.

What has been most upsetting to me is not that women freely speak their judgments, but that women feel comfortable making derogatory remarks because their judgments are assumed to be True-with-a-capital-T. Not your truth or my truth but The Truth. And honestly, I don’t think that’s what this community is about. Don’t we examine our strong, negative judgments to explore our own shadows? Don’t we own our judgments as simply that: personal judgments (not universal Truths)?

I believe that this community must be a welcoming, accepting place for all women, regardless of how different they might be. Otherwise, how can we possibly heal the world? I believe the work of diversity starts with “cleaning up our own house” by taking a long, hard look at the way our community culture contributes to a collective shadow. And of course, that begins when each individual woman does her own work and asks herself the tough questions:

• Whom would I have a hard time welcoming into this community?
• What is my prejudice teaching me about my judgments against myself?
• How am I projecting my lack of self-acceptance onto this group I do not accept?

And, while every woman must do her own work, I also believe that the organization must do the deep and difficult work of rooting out any institutionalized prejudice. The community must strive to be a place of invitation and welcome and inclusion, especially in those places where the community defines its own identity. We must ask ourselves as a community:

• Are the descriptors we use to define ourselves actually alienating or excluding someone inadvertently?
• Do we have any collective shadows that show us whom or what we resist welcoming into our Circle on some level?
• Are we subtly creating a sense of "Us" as different from "Them" because we want to feel reinforced in our own ideas?

I’ve come to understand over the years that for this community, “them” includes not only women of traditional faiths, but women of color, women of lower socioeconomic status, gay women, Republicans, women with disabilities, women who “don’t get it”, and more. That is why I am so passionately involved in the work of the Diversity Committee.

Will you join us on our journey of self-discovery? Will you help us work toward a more inclusive and diverse community? If you have thoughts, ideas, feedback, questions, or a personal experience to share, please write to the Diversity Committee at diversity@comesalive.com. We want to hear from you and your message can be kept confidential.

Help us create a unified “YES!” when any woman asks, “Is there a place for me?”

Amanda Bryson
May 2002
amanda.bryson@yahoo.com.