Managing the Holidays
by Jerry Rothman, MSW, PhD
Holidays Can Be Difficult
No matter what your religion or lack thereof, the holiday
time can be most trying. The holidays stir up memories of
the past, evoke powerful feelings, and force us to
compare our life situation to that of the perfect family
portrayed on television.
Memories of the past are tied to this time of year. Many
people have traditions which are sanctioned by religion,
but many also have traditions which are more secular in
nature. The gift giving, the taking of vacations, the
sharing of special times or activities -- may have been
part of the joy that we had with a lost loved one.
Getting through the first season can nightmarish and the
next ones may be a bit more moderate, but still quite
painful emotionally. All of these memories of good times
and rituals shared together may raise bittersweet
thoughts and feelings.
Not only good times shared, but bad times shared may be
dredged up. If we are like many people, the holidays may
have been unpleasant for economic or emotional reasons.
In this case, we may feel guilty that we couldn't have
provided better for our son or daughter, wife or husband,
father or mother. Thus, the holidays are times of great
emotional intensity to start with, and a death may build
on this foundation and add to the feelings of loss that
arise from memories.
Thus, it is not memories alone that are dredged up to
haunt us, it is the feelings that may accompany these
memories, that also cause pain. Powerful emotions are
evoked by the holidays and these are added to our
intensity, generated by our loss. We may experience a
whole range of feelings which are hard for us to
tolerate. Sadness is difficult enough, but loneliness,
emptiness, helplessness and vulnerability are even harder
to manage. Given the stereotype of the American
character, these emotions are almost opposite and often
considered negative in our society.
Another reason that the holidays can be disappointing is
that we are bombarded with stereotypes of the perfect
family, experiencing nothing but joy and warmth on a
white Christmas. This myth has been commercialized and
used to sell merchandise in mass quantities. It is
therefore a force to be reckoned with and one that we
can't escape. We are made to compare the reality of our
loss-filled family life with the myth of perfect family
closeness that we see on television. This painful
comparison is often unsatisfactory to even healthy
families, but families who have sustained losses are even
further from the mark.
What to Do
There are a good many ways to facilitate getting through
difficult periods of time. Although first, it's important
to have a mindset that you are not helpless. We may feel
helpless and hopeless, but that doesn't mean we really
are. Once you get it firmly established that you can do
some things to make life more bearable, then you can get
busy and implement some of the following suggestions.
First, express the feelings as they arise. It's not only
OK to grieve, but it is important to grieve. Grief is a
process that may be painful, but it has healing
qualities. So tolerate the difficult emotions and
express them to yourself and others. Anger, sadness,
frustration, loneliness, vulnerability, helplessness,
emptiness and others may all be present. The mourning
process can be very painful because of the intensity and
range of feelings that arise. It is healthier to let
them be and not try to sweep them under the rug.
Having said this, it is also important to modify the
statement by adding that it's not OK to express these
feelings in a way that harms yourself or others. It
isn't the feelings themselves that can cause damage; it's
what we do with them or how we express them that needs to
be monitored. In doing so, be aware of the burden you
place on others. You can't ask people to help you beyond
their own ability to tolerate feelings. Thus, we can't
expect friends and relatives to be continuously
receptive. We have to be aware of their limits. There
is no point in being bitter, if they simply can't keep
listening and absorbing your grief. Ask from them only
what they can give or you may be sorely disappointed.
Another way you can help yourself through the holidays is
to honor the memory of your loved one. Acknowledge their
importance to you and make up ceremonies that express
that awareness. Through thoughts, feelings, traditions
and ceremonies you can express some of the grief that you
feel and gain some comfort. Rituals may be easier for
some of your friends to share, so make use of them. Or
you may find comfort in developing new traditions that
honor the memory of your loved one. A contribution to
charity, a day of volunteering in honor of your memories,
or a visit to the grave may have some use to you.
Planning activities and ways to stay busy or keep from
being too busy, can give you the right mixture of
activity and freedom from unnecessary stress. You can
review your own needs and decide how to plan. If you
can't stand the idea of being alone, you could plan
activities with others. If you find being alone valuable
and your holiday season is usually set at a frantic pace
with social obligations, you could reconsider and cancel
some of the get-togethers.
Find a way to soothe yourself. When under stress, we
need to be willing to indulge ourselves sometimes. We
each have differing ways to calm our troubled souls.
Think about what you have historically done to take care
of yourself. Go ahead and give in to some soothing
activities as long as they aren't destructive to self or
others. For example, if eating is a significant soother,
then you may want to let yourself gain a few pounds over
the holidays and take off the weight afterwards when the
emotional strains are moderated. However, if you have a
weight problem, you may find it harmful to your
self-esteem to gain weight. You'll have to balance the
pro's and con's of each method of soothing.
Other Ideas To Think About
First, it is necessary to get beyond the myth of a
blissful, perfect holiday season. We have to realize that
many people are unhappy during this time and they are
unhappy for many different reasons. Grief and sadness
may intervene and need to be attended to. This isn't
unusual or bad. So accept what is for you and deal with
it; avoid denying what's going on and you'll be able to
use the above techniques to cope.
Another useful idea is that we need to express as much
emotion as we can tolerate without becoming
overwhelmed. So, on the one hand, it is important to
express and explore our emotions rather than avoid
becoming aware of them. While on the other hand, we have
to use some soothing techniques to help us manage so that
we don't totally lose our balance. Too much flooding
with feelings can destroy our equilibrium. So find the
balance that fits for you and express whatever you can,
while also being kind to yourself through using your own
unique soothers.
An additional significant idea is that you have to
individualize all of the advice you get. That is, there
are no correct formulas for managing in difficult times.
Look at the ways you function as an individual and tailor
all of the friendly and professional advise so that it
fits your situation and your needs. Don't sacrifice your
uniqueness to a formula or to what someone else claims to
be the right way.
You might consider another concept that can be helpful.
Being sad is often confused with being depressed. There
are some quick concepts that help differentiate. Sadness
is not the same as depression. And being sad won't make
you depressed. Here are some comparisons:
|
|
Sadness
Can
be shared with others
Humor interspersed
Periods of energy
Light at the end of the tunnel
|
Depression
Is
isolating, withdrawn
Little or no sense of humor
Tired, deflated
No hope, pessimistic
|
There is another dualism that should be explored.
Useful, purposeful action around planning satisfying
activities is different from driven, frenzied action,
which we might conveniently call hyperactivity:
|
|
Purposeful Action
Use
of intelligence
Mindful of our needs
Feelings are expressed
|
Hyperactivity
Unconscious, not thought out
Symbolic or unaware
Feelings are avoided; actions take their place
|
Conclusion
The
holidays may not be a time of perfect bliss and your true
feelings may be quite different from the mythology that
commercial television and the media portray. Give
yourself some leeway to be yourself and to accept
whatever your feelings tell you. In fact, the holiday
season can be one of the most difficult times of the year
for mourners and for many other folks. However, you can
understand and act, so that you are not helpless, and you
can creatively cope with whatever the season brings to
you. While no one enjoys pain, you can take this
opportunity to face your troubles and to work on them in
a way that can be creative and meaningful.
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The Center for Grief Recovery and Sibling Loss
1263 W. Loyola Avenue
www.griefcounselor.org
Chicago, IL. 60626
773.274.4600
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